Firefox 5 browser issues...

I've used the Firefox web browser for years, and the latest version, 5.0, held promise until many realized that it is excruciatingly slow and hangs constantly.  I did a 'solution search' and found a lead related to the "hardware acceleration" feature.  Everything I found said to make sure this feature is activated, so I checked.  Mine was already activated...so I disabled it and restarted Firefox, and now it seems to be running just fine.  If you are experiencing this problem, try turning off "hardware acceleration" in Firefox's preferences.

I'm using a Linux-based operating system called "Ubuntu."  I bailed on Windows entirely recently, as Ubuntu has some major kick-ass applications, many of which put Windows programs to shame...and they're FREE!!  Ninety-nine percent of Linux/Ubuntu software is open-source and free to use, modify and distribute.  Incredible!

I'll post more on Ubuntu later, but for now, I would strongly recommend folks to start checking into this option, and ditch Microsoft!

Another TSA perversion - 95-year old woman with cancer!

Elderly woman asked to remove adult diaper during TSA search

 A 95-year old woman "who was in a wheelchair, was asked to remove an adult diaper in order to complete a pat-down search."

This is getting pretty damn disgusting!

Smoking - UGH!

I'm getting sick of these damn cigarettes.  I've set my "quit date" for July 1, my forty-eighth birthday...but I think I need to quit earlier.  If I can resist the urge to smoke as soon as I get up, and get my butt out the door for a walk first thing in the morning, I can begin tomorrow.  I know from previous experience that this will work, and I need to do it now.

Not only is it affecting my health—like I don't have enough to deal with—but it's also affecting my wallet, and especially my conscience.  Soon it will be too loud to ignore, so I'm moving up the schedule...

TSA is OUT OF CONTROL - Boycott!

The TSA is groping children, in public!

Search YouTube for "TSA pat down" and you will find a slew of abuses, including pat downs (and groin groping) of 3, 6 and 9-year-old children, nuns, and a cancer-surviving flight attendant who was made to remove her prosthetic breast!

WTF??!!

And now they're doing the same thing on trains and buses!  They're already doing it in Denver, patrolling the Light Rail system.

If people start boycotting airlines, the industry will have to force the TSA out of business in order to regain the millions of dollars a day they will be losing!  The same with major bus lines and trains.

What the TSA is doing is obscene, repulsive and amoral, and needs to stop!

Medical Marijuana - Where I stand

The town of Crested Butte, CO held a public hearing last night to discuss the continued existence of several dispensaries in town.  I was supposed to attend and speak before the Council, but was too ill to do so.  Since no one heard what I'd wanted to say, I reproduce it here for you:

My name is Tim, and I have AIDS. I tested positive for HIV in 1988, and was diagnosed with “full-blown AIDS” in 1989. At the time, I was told my prognosis was 'death in two or three years,' as that was the norm back then; that was twenty-two years ago. I'd smoked marijuana (maybe) three times in the ten years before my diagnosis, but it quickly became a big part of my treatment plan as my symptoms progressed.

I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Pancreatitis, and chronic Sciatica from a ruptured disc. The latter two are extremely painful conditions often requiring Morphine or Demerol for pain relief. Marijuana helps alleviate some of the worst aspects of all of these ailments. In the vast majority of cases where this plant is invaluable to the patients' well-being, it's acquisition and use is illegal, making it necessary to turn to some local, anonymous, usually-shady grower/dealer, or to the “black market” for treatment.  I did that for many years—not realizing that I was supporting the international drug trade—and all too often I would receive very-low-end “product” that did little-to-nothing to ease my discomfort; sometimes it wasn't even pot. Though it hasn't happened to me, I've had friends share their horror stories about some of the “bad weed” they'd bought; one friend got some that was laced with “angel dust”! One never knows where the next bag of weed came from, much less what's in it.

With the advent of Medical Marijuana Dispensaries, all of that changed completely. I was able to procure—for the first time, legally according to the State of Colorado—medical-grade marijuana that was safe and clear of hard-core street drugs, and that actually helped, and did so consistently. For the first time in my life, I was able to treat myself with real medication whose only side-effects were tiredness (with some notable exceptions), and significantly-increased appetite (i.e., “the munchies”)—absolutely vital in the treatment of AIDS, due to a life-threatening (and all too often fatal) condition called “AIDS Wasting Syndrome.” I have endured this condition—as well as a related one known as Lipodystrophy—for over twenty years now, and I've watched it end the lives of a number of very close friends during that time.

AIDS wasting is defined as:

“the involuntary loss of more than 10% of body weight, plus more than 30 days of either diarrhea, or weakness and fever [or, in my own experience, “all of the above”]. Wasting is linked to disease progression and death. ...[Despite a dramatic decrease in incidences since 1996], wasting is still a problem for people with AIDS, even people whose HIV is controlled by medications. ...Part of the weight lost during wasting is fat. More important is the loss of muscle mass. ...AIDS wasting and lipoatrophy can both cause some body shape changes.”

There are three main factors that cause wasting in AIDS patients: ⁴

• Low food intake
• Poor nutrient absorption
• Altered metabolism

To clarify:

• Low appetite is common with HIV. ... It can be difficult for some people with AIDS to eat when they're hungry. Drug side effects such as nausea, changes in the sense of taste, or tingling around the mouth also decrease appetite. Opportunistic infections in the mouth or throat can make it painful to eat. Infections in the gut can make people feel full after eating just a little food. Depression can also lower appetite. Finally, lack of money or energy may make it difficult to shop for food or prepare meals.
• Healthy people absorb nutrients through the small intestine. In people with HIV disease, several infections (including parasites) can interfere with this process. HIV may directly affect the intestinal lining and reduce nutrient absorption. Diarrhea causes loss of calories and nutrients.
• Food processing and protein building are affected by HIV disease. Even before any symptoms show up, you need more energy. This might be caused by the increased activity of the immune system. People with HIV need more calories just to maintain their body weight.

In twenty-two years, the only medication/substance that countered these horrific symptoms is “Marijuana.” It enabled me to survive those early days, because I chose to fight back with any weapon at my disposal, and marijuana was one of my strongest. It made me eat when I would have let myself starve to keep from vomiting again, or sitting on the toilet for another hour with diarrhea. Marijuana helped lessen the frequency of these events by making me so hungry I had to eat, to give my body something to fight back with: FOOD.

Medical Marijuana must remain available to those of us who depend upon it for our very survival; to insist that there is no medical benefit to using this most-beneficial plant is to ignore reality. We need you, as our representatives, to see the clear benefits of medical marijuana for those of us who would suffer intolerably without it, or risk our lives in an effort to acquire it through less-than-honorable means. Others have spoken to the financial aspects of this issue; I wish to speak to the aspects that relate to the right of us all to “the pursuit of happiness.” Life in agony is not such a pursuit; leave us, please, the right to 'pursue happiness' by the only real avenue we have left to us.

2012? … Strange wildlife behavior in Colorado

One of my best friends, James, has noticed some very bizarre behavior by herds of elk and deer, packs of coyotes, and mountain lions. He recently returned from a one-night camping trip, where he noticed fresh mountain lion, coyote and elk tracks right through the middle of his campsite the next morning! He notes, “Pack of coyotes and elk do not move through campsites, especially if there are people there! Coyotes will only come through after everyone's gone; elk will flee from any scent of humans, and will avoid the area completely even after.” 

“What is spooking our wildlife and making them act completely out-of-character?”

Logic dictates that elk are not prone to follow after predators, but rather will run in the opposite direction for miles, until the danger is far behind them. What's making these disparate species all flee in the same direction within only a few short minutes or hours of each other? And that in the middle of a very nasty, night-long storm that included huge wind gusts, an over-abundance of lightning, rain and snow with near-freezing temperatures until noon the next day—two days before the Summer Solstice! Other friends have noted other odd behavior while camping, when a bear remained near the camp in spite of warning gun-shots and a barking dog—in the face of such obstacles, a bear will flee the scene and disappear into the wilderness.. What they saw is not normal behavior for bears!

One of James' passions is hunting for deer and elk “sheds,” or horns and antlers. I went with him to search for some about a month ago, and discovered some very strange things, including a pronghorn antelope skull where antelope are almost never found in that part of the state. We found two other skulls that day, but there were not at all fresh. There were no sheds to be found, which confused James since they would have normally shed at least a month or two before we got there. Now, get this: people are only just now finding these sheds, some with nearly-fresh blood still on them! The herds of elk and deer should have lost their horns months ago!

"Why are they only just dropping now?? What has happened to our wildlife's natural 'clock'?"

Another of James' passions is collecting edible mushrooms. In his experience, some species would be “sporing” by now, ready to pick and eat. During this hike, however, he found no fresh samples, even after a whole night of precipitation, which is when mushrooms really blossom. 

“What is happening to our local ecosystem?”

Animals have an innate sense of impending disaster and when they start acting strange, we would do well to listen. If just one species acts strangely, that could be just a local phenomenon momentarily affecting them, but when several separate species begin acting strangely at the same time, WE NEED TO PAY ATTENTION!

2012? ... The so-called "Comet" Elenin

Here is a link to NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) website showing an animation of what they are calling a "comet," but I know now that it's not a comet in 'any way shape or form'!

http://ssd.jpl.nasa.gov/sbdb.cgi?sstr=elenin;orb=1;cov=0;log=0;cad=0#orb

This "comet" will be crossing our path (quite literally) by September of this year, 2011.  It will swing through between the orbits of Earth and Venus and on November 4/5 we will be passing through it's debris cloud, only .232 AU (Astronomical Units, 1 AU = distance from earth to sun).  THIS THING IS HAPPENING AND IT'S VERY REAL!

Using NASA's animation at the sight shown above, I have seen with my own eyes how every major earthquake in the past few years, including those in New Zealand, Chile, China, and Japan, has occurred when our sun, the earth, and this "comet" has formed a straight line, an "alignment" of epic proportions.  A comet would not add to our sun's already-powerful gravitational field; only a star would do that, and that's what the prevailing consensus is now: it's a brown dwarf star that orbits like a comet, swinging back into our neighborhood every 9,900 years or so.

Well, folks, IT'S BACK!

The Mayans may have pointed to December, 2012, and maybe something will be still be here at that time, but this "comet/star" will cross our orbit THIS YEAR!!

There is also a great deal of chatter online, and videos to confirm it, about four other hugely significant happenings that we all should be paying attention to:

1.  There are now 2 (two) "suns" visible in our sunsets; our normal Sol, and another that appears about 1.4 of Sol's size, and it's on the other side of our sun, so it's only visible for now during a sunset.

2.  The sun has been rising in different places and at different times for the past six months or so.  There are lots and lots of accounts online, and just a week ago one of my best friends saw it for himself!  The sun rose in a particular spot last Tuesday, and in a completely different spot the next two days...and over an hour later!

3.  On January 11 of this year, Greenland saw the sun rise a full two days early!  It wasn't supposed to come up until the 13th!  This has been extremely well-documented by major news sources.

4.  There is a portion of the night sky very near the constellation of Orion that has been blacked out on purpose!  Earlier images clearly show a star system; now it's gone.  It is a perfectly-rectangular section rather far away that has been cut out, and it's apparently the only section of the night sky that has been "deleted" from Goggle Sky's database!  WHY??

This shit's real, folks, and it's time to begin examining our priorities and planning for "the real deal" sooner rather than later...because "later" will be too late!

I will be posting more detailed information on these events soon; I want to make sure I have all the facts at my disposal straight and verified.

2012? ... Is the earth wobbling?

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I discovered a few video clips online from individuals claiming the sun has risen in different places and at different times. I was very skeptical; the camera angle could have been altered to make it appear to be in a different spot. That is, until one of my best friends told me that he'd seen it, too—only thirty miles or so from my house! He'd noted the sunrise last Tuesday morning (June 14), filed it away and went on to his job. The next morning, however, the sun did not rise in the same place—or at the same time; it was over an hour late!

Combine this with the globally-noted sunrise in Greenland (it's all over the Internet)—two days early!!  Something really, really frakked up is going on here!

I've been getting up early lately, taking dated pictures of the sunrise, and so far I haven't seen anything different. But I have taken note of the rash of bizarre weather patterns all over the country, and especially the weird behavior in our local wildlife here in Colorado, such as deer and elk shedding their horns and antlers two to three months late. Something has happened to their “internal clock”! What could do that?

Years ago, I read a series of books by one Immanuel Velikovsky. He wrote some pretty “heretical” stuff, about Venus suddenly appearing on the scene only a few thousand years ago, and how it may have caused the earth's poles to flip. He also indicated that it can, and probably will, happen again. At least, that's what I recall of them, but I remember feeling very strongly that his theories were dead on. I even checked out a copy of each volume from the local library when I moved west in 1984, with the intent of never returning them (though eventually I did).  They were becoming an integral part of my self-made belief system, until my life took a different turn the following year.

I have recently re-discovered his books and am beginning to read them again. The last time I read them was over twenty years ago; perhaps I'll have the wisdom this time to really pay attention and learn something new.

*** Blog modifications ***

As this is my very first blog, I've been "learning the ropes" and have discovered that, instead of having 11 different blogs for each 'piece of me,' I can have just one and title them according to 'piece.'  That way, the path I've taken to find myself can be easier for readers to follow.  Therefore, many of the posts need to be re-titled; that's next on my agenda.  Thank you for being here!

The Demerol cycle has ended!

It has now been two weeks since my last Demerol shot. 

I had three available for the month; I used the first one, then signed a new "standing order" prohibiting future shots unless blood work shows my pancreas is inflamed, thus 'eliminating' the remaining two for this month.  I get a twinge every now and then, but that's to be expected considering I've been getting them for over two years.  But the twinges don't stick around long—without a shot available for me to use at my whim, I have virtually no craving and no withdrawal symptoms.  I have set myself free!!

Time to quit

I turn 48 on July 1, and I've decided to make that the first day of my future life without cigarettes.  The cost is too high—monetarily, physically, and spiritually.  I cannot imagine a clean world with toxic-smoke-producing cigarettes accompanied by cancer of all kinds, emphysema, and a host of other ills.  If I want my reality to truly reflect who I am inside, then cigarettes have to go!

Besides, all I'm really doing when I buy cigarettes—besides slowly killing myself—is perpetuating a greedy, corruption-ridden system that cares absolutely nothing about the consequences of its actions.  It'd rather lie to, poison and kill us than help us improve our health, and thus our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

This year, 2011, is my year to "bloom," to finally create the reality I've always wanted, one without the 'wanton self-destruction' that has plagued nearly my entire adulthood—one where I can enable others to improve their lives and their outlook on life and the future.  I have always been one to teach others, whether it was about the Bible, computers, exercise, what have you; I can see now that it's been my mission all my life to help others, and to help them help themselves.  I've not really been in the right mind-space, however, to "bring it all together," until now.  I have found 'my voice' at last, and it will be heard, if only through the pages of this blog.

Alien influence, or far-superior human intelligence?

I've been watching the History Channel's Ancient Aliens series lately, and I find it fascinating that whenever an artifact is discovered indicating the existence of modern-day technology—electric lights and jet planes, for example—"Alien Astronaut Theorists" immediately conclude that 'it must have been aliens.' While not discounting the possibility of alien visitations, I disagree with the notion that our forebears were so primitive they couldn't have conceived of such things without extraterrestrial intervention. Was Benjamin Franklin visited by an alien when he supposedly “discovered” electricity? Was Englishman Humphry Davy given “alien technology” when he invented the first light bulb in 1809? What about Thomas Edison 70 years later? What about Nicola Tesla, whose inventions were many decades “ahead of his time”—and would have freed us from the tyranny of today's massive oil-based corporations had they not moved to “classify” his discoveries? Or were they nothing more than very intelligent and inquisitive human beings who stumbled upon natural laws and forces that could be harnessed for the good of all?


Could alien intelligence have contributed to Homo Sapien's progress? Possibly. But it's equally possible that we were once a far more intelligent species than we are today—especially when you consider the toxicity of our present environment. Back in the day, they didn't have smog or pollution-and-radiation-laden oceans, rivers and lakes, or raped the earth for resources until there was little left for the next generation, or TV's laden with materialistically-mind-altering commercials, or land-destroying vehicles, or any of the modern “conveniences” that have aided the utter decimation of our planet. Humans were not eating food filled with artificial ingredients that caused cancer and birth defects, or shaped the environment to suit themselves rather than shape ourselves to suit our environment. Ancient civilizations lasted for thousands of years; we've only been around for a tiny fraction of that time, and we're already destroying our planet. Humans back then could think with clearer heads in a cleaner world; I'd say that gave them a decided advantage over any so-called “civilized” peoples today.


It is the height of hubris to presume that only in the past 200 years (out of thousands upon thousands of years) of human history have we become advanced enough to discover—and harness—electricity or the laws of physics, or any number of things we take for granted today. Humans have been around for a very long time, and have constructed monuments that we today cannot duplicate. We've only had a couple of hundred of years in which we have accomplished truly marvelous works, but as a species we today are so far behind our ancient ancestors' knowledge and abilities, it's mind-boggling. We are merely children to them. We are also an arrogant species, and some day soon that arrogance will bite us all in the ass, if we do not begin accepting the fact that we are but a tiny thread in a much, much grander tapestry—and begin taking proper care of our little corner of the universe.

My "new religion"

I've decided to convert to, not a new religion, really, but a "new way of thinking."  I've dubbed it "Fermentationism."  That makes me a "Fermentationist," or rather, a "Fermentin' Fool!"

A new friend of mine, Blake, recently introduced me to a book that is literally changing my life: Wild Fermentation, by Sandor Ellix Katz.  Another friend handed me a printout from some website on "fermentation" a few months ago, but I basically ignored it (turns out it was from the author's website).  Then Blake showed me the book from the website and insisted I check it out.  As soon as I read that the author is gay and a "long-term survivor" (LTS) of AIDS, like me, I knew this was exactly what I needed for the next stage of my life.

Here is a short list of things I quickly learned from this book—things I wish I'd known years ago:

• Leave unpasteurized, raw apple juice in an open jar for a week or two and it becomes apple cider; a little longer and it becomes apple cider vinegar.
• Scrape some horseradish root into a bowl, add a little vinegar and salt and let it ferment for a few days  to make what grocery stores charge $5 to $10 or more (for the good stuff)
• Flour, water and a pinch of yeast make sourdough starter; add a little to a bowl of salted flour, let it rise and bake and you have sourdough bread—a virtually-unlimited supply of bread for mere pennies
• Honey and water ferments to become "mead," the oldest fermented brew in history
• Shredded cabbage and salt becomes sauerkraut in only a few days—real sauerkraut, not the 'cabbage and vinegar' crap they sell in plastic bags

What the hell!  I had no idea this kind of good, wholesome, literally-homemade-from-scratch food would be this easy, and this cheap!  And I've only scratched the surface!  I've been trying to do similar things at different times over the past 30 years—temporary "phases," if you will—but was never in the right place or "mind space" to really pull it all together; now I am, and I'm going all-out!  Besides, it's incredible fun, and it's extremely satisfying seeing something you made with your own hands turn out so well that even your friends can't say enough good things about it!  All I can do anymore is smile, and that's all kinds of healthy!

I strongly recommend this book to anyone, anywhere.  You can check out some of Mr. Katz' recipes at www.wildfermentation.com.

With much of our shopping-store food supply virtually inedible—what with salmonella, Ebola, mad-critter disease, deadly pesticides, radiation, man-eating-cow syndrome, you name it—this kind of food is not only much healthier for you, but it's ridiculously cheap!  The only "downside" is the effort it takes to make it, especially when it comes to kneading dough for 30 or 40 minutes; but is that really a downside?  The morning after I kneaded and baked my first sourdough bread, my arms and chest were sore...from "working out" kneading dough!  They were still sore this morning, so I decided to make another one today, and prepare a batch for tomorrow.  If I knead and bake a loaf each day, I'll be getting a regular workout each day, which may serve as a springboard for more organized workouts so I can regain some of my upper-body strength.

So, my "new way of thinking" is not only cheaper, it's healthier—if for only these reasons:

• my body grows fitter from kneading
• my soul feels better as I pour it into the creation of my own food
• my spirit grows calmer as I work out my frustrations on the dough
• my body gets healthier from eating better food
• my soul feels freer as I enjoy the work of my own hands
• my spirit soars as I see my friends enjoying my creations as much as I

Yes...I think I like this new lifestyle, and I can feel in my bones that my "new religion" will extend my life a little further—or at the very least, make it a life worth living.

Demerol - The Cost - Pt VI

By July 2010, I'd finally had enough, and the "mature" part of me decided it was time to do something about the Demerol.  My options at the time were (a) go "cold turkey" and never get another shot again, or (b) go into rehab.  Option A was not a viable one, as stopping Demerol suddenly is akin to quitting Heroin; the withdrawals would most likely kill me.  Option B wasn't viable because I cannot be confined like that; I know to my core that I would mentally snap under such circumstances.  So what could I do??

I hit one day upon an idea, a compromise: go on a gradual weaning-off treatment plan whereby I would gradually space the shots out, reduce the number available each month, and after a few months, reduce the dosage amount from 150 mg to 75 or 100 mg, with the goal of eventually going off them altogether.  I knew this would take a long time, but I know myself well enough that I was certain it would work.  So, starting July 1, 2010, I wrote and signed a new "standing order" reducing the number of shots per month and spacing them out at least two days apart, which was readily approved and signed by my doctor.  I was excited!  I was doing something concrete to help, not only myself, but my partner.  I was on a mission, and I would move heaven and hell to accomplish it!

But I was not naive; I'd been through withdrawals before with other drugs, but they were a walk in the park compared to this one.  What I decided was basically to trick myself into letting go of the Demerol.  I'd already discovered that, without a shot available, I had no craving and no withdrawal symptoms!  By signing an order preventing me from getting a shot until the expressed amount of time had passed, I would trick myself into riding out longer and longer periods between shots—at least that was my theory, and I was desperate.  Would it work, though?

Demerol - The Cost - Pt V

Now, with paper in hand, I could justify getting a shot of Demerol whenever I "needed" it, but it soon became clear that certain restraints needed to be put into place.  By the end of 2008, my doctors and I decided to limit the number of shots each month to eight, though I still ran through them in the first couple of weeks of the month, leaving me with no shots available for the last two weeks.  After a few months of this restriction, I began to notice a trend in myself:  If I've used all the shots for the month and had none available, I experienced virtually no withdrawal until the next month drew nigh; then the craving became unbearable.  I filed this knowledge away, but never forgot it.

After a six-month tryst with meth in early-2009, I continued getting eight shots a month, all within the first two or three weeks of the month.  My ex made plans to come see me several times that summer and fall, and by winter we'd connected enough that he decided to move to Gunnison to be near me.  Understand that he and I had met 16 years earlier and would have been together most of that time had my 'spiritual path' at the time not dictated that we could no longer be together.  I've never been able to live two separate lives, one "moral and upright" and the other "decadence-incarnate."

He moved to Gunnison in December, 2009; at the time I was receiving eight shots a month of Demerol, at 150 mg per dose...about every other day.  In June of 2010, I moved to another home closer to town, and the stress of doing so sent my bipolar condition in a massive tailspin, much of which I took out on him.  Shortly thereafter, it became obvious that he'd had enough of seeing me virtually-catatonic most of the time, so I chose to act in both our behalves.  

Demerol - The Cost IV

One thing of note about the ultrasound the doctors performed is the fact the I awoke from the anesthesia right in the middle of the procedure and found myself gagging on this huge tube down my throat.  The anesthesiologist told me they'd given me the maximum dose of Fentanyl, and to try to stay calm.  It felt like forever, but I'm sure I was awake for only a minute or so before I passed out again.  This was one of the worst procedures I've ever had to endure.

Demerol - The Cost - Pt III

In June, 2008 I was admitted to University Hospital for acute pancreatitis.  After an hour of driving and a 3-hour stay in the waiting room, I was finally admitted and blood tests were made to determine how serious this attack was.  As it turned out, my Lipase was "off the chart," indicating a very serious condition, and that the pain was real.  After a couple of days of Morphine and no food, the swelling of my pancreas finally abated.  It was also the day before the pre-scheduled procedure, so I stayed in the hospital one more night. 

An endoscopic ultrasound involves a scope which is fed down the throat, through the stomach, and into the duodenum—a short bowel section which serves as a junction between the stomach, pancreas and gall bladder; real digestion begins here when digestive enzymes from the pancreas are introduced prior to entry into the small intestine.  This procedure allows doctors to see a very detailed image of the lining of the pancreatic duct, which is necessary for a proper diagnosis.

There are ten indicators doctors look for when determining whether one has “chronic pancreatitis," and a diagnosis is dependent on the patient matching at least four of the criteria; I matched five—including significant scarring all throughout the pancreatic duct, and a small cyst at its tail-end.  I was subsequently officially diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis, an incurable, painful and potentially-fatal condition.  Now I had the justification I needed to continue receiving Demerol injections!

Demerol - The Cost - Pt II

I learned a year ago that withdrawal from a drug like Demerol can have some serious effects on the body.  Your mind somehow creates real pain in order to trick you into getting another shot to stop the pain from returning.  After a while, I became trapped in a vicious downward spiral that became harder and harder to escape with each injection.  Then came the ultrasound.

In 2008, June found me in Denver a week and a half before that year’s District Convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I arrived on Tuesday, with the endoscopic ultrasound scheduled for a week from that Thursday.  The friends at whose house I stayed were gone most of the week.  When they returned, she made a huge dinner; the next night, we all went out to eat.  By Sunday, I could tell that I’d eaten too much since arriving; as my abdomen was swelling and starting to hurt. 

By Monday morning, the pain was intolerable; the Percocet I’d been prescribed was not strong enough to dull the pain, even after taking two or three at a time, so I was admitted to University Hospital in Denver, CO.

Demerol - Escape! ...but at what cost?

In January, 2008, it was decided that I be given injections for pain as an outpatient, thus reducing the odds of me catching something during a hospital stay.  With dealing with a compromised immune system, this seemed the prudent thing to do.  It wasn’t long, however, that I became almost entirely dependent on Demerol for pain management.  At the time, I was prescribed 150 mg of Demerol, with 75 mg of Phenergan to ward of the inevitable wave of nausea that comes without it—and I could get one whenever I “needed” it. 

By March, I was receiving injections every couple of days.  The nursing staff became increasingly alarmed, and finally notified my doctor, “Tim M. has received 15 injections in the past 30 days.”  My MD was pissed!  One of the medical staff determined that it was time to ascertain whether what they were treating was “chronic pancreatitis,” or addiction to narcotics.  In order to discover the truth, a procedure known as an “endoscopic ultrasound” was scheduled in Denver, just a couple of months away.  It just so happened that a Jehovah’s Witness Convention was being held in June, and I was able to schedule the procedure for the week before.

Why was I allowed to get so many injections?  For one thing, my MD wasn’t aware at first that I had received so many, and when she did, she acted quickly in an effort to halt this now-apparent trend.  For another thing—and the most important one—I was in real pain.  I was in agony for months, and my blood tests showed enzyme elevations often enough that I was certain it was my pancreas.  I learned that one can die from this affliction, and I became scared.  It wasn’t long before Demerol became a source of solace; I stopped hurting and literally forgot my life for a day.  I thoroughly believed that my pancreas was constantly inflamed and my pain was real.

 I later learned that our minds have a way of really fraking with us... 

Acute Pancreatitis

In February of 2007, I had a massive attack of Acute Pancreatitis. In the hospital, pancreatitis is treated by basically starving the pancreas for two or three days, allowing the swollen organ to rest. The pancreas produces our digestive enzymes, and two of them, Amylase and Lipase, are involved in an attack. The best way to describe the pain is: your worst "tummy ache" times 100—and it doesn't stop! It is excruciatingly painful and, if left unchecked, can result in death. Basically, the pancreas begins eating itself from the inside, leading to scarring in the pancreatic duct's lining. Over time, this scarring can result in necrotic (dead) tissue, leading to organ failure and death.

That year, I had at least four or five other acute attacks, a month or two apart. “Pain management and no food" was the buzz phrase, and for the pain I was given Morphine or Demerol every two to four hours.

In February of 2007, I had a massive attack of Acute Pancreatitis. In the hospital, pancreatitis is treated by basically starving the pancreas for two or three days, allowing the swollen organ to rest. The pancreas produces our digestive enzymes, and two of them, Amylase and Lipase, are involved in an attack. The best way to describe the pain is: your worst "tummy ache" times 100—and it doesn't stop! It is excruciatingly painful and, if left unchecked, can result in death. Basically, the pancreas begins eating itself from the inside, leading to scarring in the pancreatic duct's lining. Over time, this scarring can result in necrotic (dead) tissue, leading to organ failure and death.

That year, I had at least four or five other acute attacks, a month or two apart. “Pain management and no food" was the buzz phrase, and for the pain I was given Morphine or Demerol every two to four hours.

Demerol - the one that nearly got me

In February of 2007, I had a massive attack of Acute Pancreatitis. In the hospital, pancreatitis is treated by basically starving the pancreas for two or three days, allowing the swollen organ to rest. The pancreas produces our digestive enzymes, and two of them, Amylase and Lipase, are involved in an attack. The best way to describe the pain is: your worst "stomach ache" times 100—and it doesn't stop! It is excruciatingly painful and, if left unchecked, can result in death. Basically, the pancreas begins eating itself from the inside, leading to scarring in the pancreatic duct's lining. Over time, this scarring can result in necrotic (dead) tissue, leading to organ failure and death.

That year, I had at least five other acute attacks, a month or two apart. “No food and pain management” was the buzz phrase, and for the pain I was given Morphine every two to four hours. I was also administered Demerol at times to lessen the worst of the pain at the outset of an attack, since it relieved most of the pain in less than 10 minutes. During one hospital stay, I was administered Demerol almost exclusively through the night and by morning I had the worst migraine of my life. I was given one migraine reliever, but it didn't help at all. Then they gave me Toradol; the migraine vanished in five minutes. Too much Demerol had given me the emperor of hangovers.

Addictions

In the past eight years I have faced down and overcome addictions to cocaine, crack, meth, alcohol, and now (finally) Demerol.  How I was able to accomplish this is, in part, what my blog is all about.  I don't yet have all the answers; I hope to use this medium to explore this and other things about myself that I'm in the process of re-learning, and I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I.

Diagnoses

My life changed drastically at age 25.  I was diagnosed as "HIV positive" in 1988, and "full-blown AIDS" (now called "Advanced HIV") in 1989.  At the time, my prognosis was grim: I had two, maybe three years to "get my shit together" and all my affairs "in order."  Thanks to new medications that arrived in the mid-90's, I was given a "stay of execution," if you will.  Today I'm a member of a small group of "long-term survivors" (LTS), HIV +/AIDS-stricken men and women who have beaten the odds and held onto life in the face of seemingly-insurmountable obstacles.  Learning that there were others from 'back in the days' of fear and ignorance has enabled me to keep going—if they can do it, so can I!

Who am I?

My real name is Tim, but I prefer "Tymn."  There is a history behind that name that I hope to share along the way.  Since this is my first blog (ever), I'm still learning how things work, so I will share more of myself soon.