After
a couple of months renting a room, a Witness couple, Gary and
Elizabeth, invited me to stay in their house, in the basement
bedroom. It was a bit rustic, but I wasn't interested in
material things, just my spiritual library and meeting clothes.
I remember having a very frank discussion with Elizabeth once about
the habit I was striving to overcome, and she responding, "It's
better to masturbate than go out looking for sex." That
counsel helped as I fought to get it under control, but I had a goal
to meet: two weeks straight with no self-abuse. Ted had
actually suggested that to me during a Bible study: 'make it two
weeks then we'll talk.'
Finally,
I did it; I made it through two weeks of agonizing self-control!
It may not seem like such a big deal, but it was all I had, all I
could tangibly do to prove my love for Jehovah God and my
determination to be clean in His eyes. I was anticipating
joining the Theocratic Ministry School and giving talks before
the congregation. I knew enough about "the Truth" to
qualify; it was down to just this. Ted and I met with another
elder, the School Overseer, Sam J. I explained how much
progress I'd made, and that two weeks of clean behaviour had passed,
so "Can I join the School now?!"
Ted
gave his okay, but deferred to Brother J., as he was in charge of the
School. I remember feeling exhilarated...this was it; this was
my vindication!
He
said,
"Why don't we give it two more weeks and then talk?"
I
was stunned. What I heard was not, 'only two more weeks';
what I heard was,
"You're still not good enough and you never will be!!"
I
was completely devastated, and I’m sure Ted could see the change
that began taking over me. In my mind, I threw my hands up in the
air in disgust...and, for the first time in months, I thought about
having a drink...in a bar...with guys. By the time I left the
Kingdom Hall that evening, I knew what I was about to do—betray
Jehovah, as I felt He had betrayed me and condemned me as unfit for
service. He was not there with me that evening, I felt, or I would
be heading home to prepare for the School now.
In
my mind, Jehovah God himself had rejected me. It was the most
devastating thing that had ever happened to me—bar only one, when I
was 5 or 6 years old—and I simply could not bear it. That night, I
went to a gay bar and decided to leave the congregation; Jehovah
obviously didn’t want me there, anyway.
After
the bar, I went to an adult bookstore/theater and met a young Navy
stud named Glenn. He was gorgeous, and I was instantly drawn to him.
Within a month of walking out of the Hall, I moved out of the
basement bedroom and into Glenn’s apartment. As I was moving the
last of my things out to Glenn’s car, my former close friend,
Phillip, stopped by and, passing me on the porch, said, “Have a
nice life!” I felt like he’d slapped me in the face, and I
resolved to never come back.
Two
weeks. It doesn’t seem like such a long time, now that I’m much
older, but back then it was an eternity. I was one who
wanted...needed...everything
done now. I’d wasted too much time away from Jehovah
and was determined to make up for it by progressing in the
organization as quickly as I could. Two more weeks—it might as
well have been two years. I’d put all I had into that one effort,
and it wasn’t enough.
I’d
failed the test, and so I slunk away into the darkness of sin and
despair.
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