I've written a bit about how I became addicted to Demerol and how I avoided rehab by embarking on a self-developed (with my doctor's help, of course) program of withdrawal, a process which took over a year. I've also indicated that a price, or "cost," I paid for my addiction. So, just what was the cost?
For one thing, Demerol has cost me time, in that it wipes out short-term memory to such an extent that I've lost months of memories. At one time a couple of years ago, I was speaking to a friend about what I thought was an event that had taken place the year before, only to find it'd taken place five or six years before, not one. That was my first real indication as what the Demerol was doing to my mind.
For another, Demerol has cost me my dignity and sense of self-worth, not to mention my reputation in the eyes of some. When one is in the throes of such an addiction, all manner of self-control goes out the window; all you can think about is getting the next shot, and to hell with the consequences. In this way, it is little different from crack or meth. The biggest difference is that this addiction is far more public; sitting in the ER waiting for the nurse to call me back exposes me to everyone that comes into the ER, including doctors and nurses---and desk clerks who think they've got you all figured out, even though it is none of their business.
I already have self-esteem issues; struggling with Demerol addiction (when the shots weren't really for pain control) completely eroded what little confidence remained in myself.
Those are a few of the "costs" of this particular addiction. Fortunately, I'm no longer enslaved by Demerol; I only get it now when I actually need it, as determined by Amylase and Lipase blood levels (which I'll discuss in more detail later). Now I can focus on more important matters, such as what to do with the rest of my life...
